Walk a mile

Have you ever wondered what it might feel like to experience life as an ambulatory wheelchair user? Probably not, it's not a topic most folks would like to think about.

For me though, it's something I've spent the bulk of my life considering, and a good portion of my adulthood living.

When I was 19, I was lucky enough to participate in a pain rehabilitation clinic through the Mayo Clinic Healthcare system. During the three week program I learned tools and techniques like meditation, yoga, emotional processing, boundary setting, endurance, and biofeedback. I was also told by practioners that even though the goal is always to have patients as strong as they can be, sometimes strength came through knowing your limits, and I should be intentional with my physical energy. They also told me that realistically, I may need to use a walker or a wheelchair as I aged.

My neurosurgeon, orthopedists, physical therapists, psychologist, and other medical and healthcare providers reiterated this notion, so, when the time came for me in 2022 to begin using a wheelchair more frequently in order to improve my quality of life, it was a grieving process for me. Surprisingly, I felt less grief than I expected, it turns out all the processing I had been doing paid off. Instead of overwhelming grief, I felt relief. My pain levels deceased, and my sense of self grew stronger. However, life is not built to be accessible for everyone (how could it be?), so the joy I felt with my new mobility was tempered with feelings of frustration over not knowing how I could participate in life.

I recently regained access to my wheelchair again, and the relief I feel when I am able to use it in my home is huge. The anxiety I feel about using my wheels in public is also huge, because life isn't accessible.

How do I "come out" again as a person who uses assistive technologies for my mobility, while also navigating life as a single woman? Is it safe for me to use my chair? Is it safe for me to be that vulnerable and open about my physical fragility?

I hope as I find the courage to share where my life experiences have lead me, I will also find more courage to conserve my energy and use my physicality in more appropriate ways. I do love to walk though, so I push my limits and do everything I can to strengthen my muscles and appear as able bodied as possible.

Life isn't black and white, it's not even gray. Rather, life is full of colors, sounds, shapes, textures, and voices, so I try my best to live with empathy and even though I may not be able to walk a mile in everyone's shoes, I do try my best to just roll with whatever stage of life I'm in.